Mission - Culprits - Predators - Quotes

Save the Words

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Culprits

Sorry for missing last week, I was preoccupied with Fun Fun Fun Fest.  Before you think I was letting down our cause, I was busy picketing and handing out leaflets which were quickly discarded. Culprits is a section which will be an update to this project every Sunday to bring to light some of the most terrible offenders to the literacy protection movement.  Think of it as a PostSecret but highlighting the worst abuse of defenseless words on the internet.  Please email links and quotes.

Look at these word killers.

Maan That Bus Home Made Me Wanna Piss Ma Pants .:; Tha Driver Be Actin A Damn Fool ; Dude Actually Argued W/ Me . IDTS Ma [censored] ! Haha .” (via @MystereeMughh)

dear pimple, STAY AWAY FROM MY NOSE !” (via @vonzies)

Ive decided 2 do quotes of tah weeks, I has lots. QotW: ”You have skin cancer…” ”yall dont gotta be racist!” hurrdurr” (via @lostXinXnowhere)

#I.l0ve.mommyz mom told me bout ppl like you… && she right Mommyz never lie((attentionally)) not unless they on drugz!(sry)” (via @InfamousPhaymus)

"just touchin my hairs, whats up with you?”” (via @choadmalma)

Please contribute your own culprits, we have to raise awareness of these terrible criminals.

This epidemic keeps continuing.  People abusing words or using words poorly.  Click any user-generated content and it’s staring back at you, harming innocent words and putting them in laughable zoos.  Stop the violence!

More culprits next week.

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Predators - the 21st Century Attention Span

You’re probably just going to read the title and maybe this sentence.  This second sentence will probably lose you.  If not, this third sentence will be too daunting a task because you can’t focus on anything that’s this many lines without a lot of bullet points or animated gifs.  By now you’re probably not reading this, you’re looking at the baby to the right because it’s adorable and colorful and these are “just” words and you don’t have time for words.  I could put anything I want this deep into the paragraph.  I thought bats were made up animals like unicorns or griffins until I was in college.  I’m not worried about that secret getting out because nobody has the patience to read this.  People used to read thousands of pages for fun back before TV and the internet made everything into pictures, bullet points, and 30-second ads.  It’s heartbreaking how far the word has fallen.  Can’t we all just go back the 19th century?  Horse-drawn carriages are a minor price to pay for a little bit of patience.  The plummeting mortality rate due to lack of penicilin pales in comparison to the loss of words.  Words had strength, once, and now they’re used in blogs cataloging what fat people look like.  At least there are a few of us, like here at APV, who’s willing to stand up for these abused creatures.  Words deserve a voice.  Fight with us!  Nobody read all that.

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Predator - 2leep

Today’s predator is dangerous because it takes the father of all word killers, the Internet, and simplifies its worst parts into a condensed soup of word murder.

I speak, of course, of 2leep.  This terrible service essentially takes a number of our former Predators (lists, lolcats, emoticons, etc) and puts them in an easy-to-read format.  It chews up blogs, most of which are word slaughterhouses, and makes them easier to digest.  Now, even less thought can be spent reading about such brilliance as shoes made of bread.  That’s right, 2leep manages to dumb down blogs.

This brilliance is brought on by one of our first predators, the ShortFormBlog.  It would seem that these people are hell bent on taking the reading out of everything they can.  Reading is what words live for.  Why take away the words’ natural habitats just for your billions of internet bucks?  WHY!?  I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY YOU’RE KILLING THE —

Ahem, excuse me.  Sometimes my emotions get the better of me.  What 2leep does is a huge crime which will lead to word extinction.  Collaborating blogs, these havens for word killing lists and internet sp34k and dumb ideas, is a terrible step towards reading efficiency.  And efficiency, my friends, is the enemy of words.  Efficiency shortens things like sentences and books and waiting times in doctors offices where all you can do is read a magazine.

Save the Words.  Keep reading.  Ignore 2leep.

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Culprits - Special Dream Edition

Here at APV, we believe that words are being needlessly abused and killed.  This goes beyond making up words or not following the rules of grammar, both of which are terrible crimes which destroy the habitat of words or turn them into monsters.  “Culprits” also includes those who sap strength from the power of the word by writing and publishing things that are, in fact, completely useless.

Telling the internet about your dreams is useless.  By typing out dreams you’ve had and assuming others will care, you are taking strength away from the already weakened words.  The useless and vain words enter the wild, breed with the strong words of written English past, and weaken the entire gene pool.  This week we chose to highlight how lame it is to write about your dreams, using Twitter as an example.  Twitter, it seems, is always the modern example of word death.

Culprits is a section which will be an update to this project every Sunday to bring to light some of the most terrible offenders to the literacy protection movement.  Think of it as a PostSecret but highlighting the worst abuse of defenseless words on the internet.  Please email links and quotes.

Look at these word killers.

had a dream that my puppy’s mom had four puppies but the 4th one died… we have fourth pick of the litter so it was mine :(” (via @kaylayar)

I be having some crazy dreams!! I had a dream where I had 25 baby mommas!!! SMH that was the scariest nightmare!! I ever had!!” (via @Retrokidbk83)

Just woke up from a dream in which I was explaining the genius & skill(z) of Boyz II Men to the black guys with whom I shared a limo.” (via @JuliaShredigar)

Had the most beautiful dream ever! Me&this other girl were in love w/ rob but he chose me&we held hands then KISSED then I woke up! BOOO :’(” (via @JoannaChills)

Good morning world, i had a pretty scary dream last night…” (via @samh4life)

I just had the dream of sponge bob winning the peace novel price… I would like that to happen (:” (via @SuzieFdz)

You can take a look for yourself to see these terrible word wasters who wish and pray that somebody somewhere cares.

Please contribute your own culprits, we have to raise awareness of these terrible criminals.

This epidemic keeps continuing.  People abusing words or using words poorly.  Click any user-generated content and it’s staring back at you, harming innocent words and putting them in laughable zoos.  Stop the violence!

More culprits next week.

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Predator - @FakeAPStyleBook

We have time and time again shown how twitter is killing helpless words by taking away their strength and the grammar rules which once allowed them to flourish.  The Fake AP Style Book takes this trend to a new and horrifying low.

This twisted movement creates new, fake grammar rules.  By spreading misinformation about rules on how to treat words, the Fake AP Style book not only destroys word habitats themselves, but trains others to do the same.  This is a spit in the face of the actual holy book of syllabic scrawling: the actual AP style book which is one of the last great forces promoting how to treat words right.

Just look at these terrible attempts at “humor” which are responsible for slaughtering countless words.

The Channing is a unit of punctuation used whenever an exclamation point is insufficient: The mayor was arrested today, RASPBERRIES!

Use ‘Scotch’ to refer to the adhesive tape or the drink, ‘Scottish’ to refer to Starfleet engineer Montgomery Scott.

Only use ‘e-mail’ if you need to distinguish it from, say, ‘q-mail’ or ‘h-mail’.

"hubby," etc, while not used in journalistic writing, are useful for avoidance when Christmas sweaters are out of season.

Always capitalize ‘Bible.’ You don’t want to get letters from those people.

Learnt, burnt, and earnt are acceptable only if the experience was painful. E.g., learnt = learned + hurt.

"i.e." is for restating. "e.g." is for examples. "b.i.g." is unbelievable

"Doughnut," or "edible torus-shaped ring," but never "donut" as it is considered racist in many foreign markets.


Did you laugh?  If you are you’re a word terrorist.  This is sick.  The words can’t defend themselves, why hurt them for a few laughs?

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Culprits

Sorry for missing the last couple of weeks, we now continue with regularly scheduled Culprits. Culprits is a section which will be an update to this project every Sunday to bring to light some of the most terrible offenders to the literacy protection movement.  Think of it as a PostSecret but highlighting the worst abuse of defenseless words on the internet.  Please email links and quotes.

Look at these word killers.

"RaHoWaaaaaaaaaaaaaagghhhhhh!!!!" (via @Papa_Shangonad)

i poop in my diaper and I needed it change please anyone” (via @babytt)

Hehe…. woke up wet again….. A wet diaper is better than a wet bed.” (via @diamdiamsen)

it sounds like a womb in here” (via @ryanpequin)

Please contribute your own culprits, we have to raise awareness of these terrible criminals.

This epidemic keeps continuing.  People abusing words or using words poorly.  Click any user-generated content and it’s staring back at you, harming innocent words and putting them in laughable zoos.  Stop the violence!

More culprits next week, I’m just getting back into the swing of things.

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Words From the Founder

[Editor’s note: our founder’s love of language, even salty, knows no bounds so I took the liberty of lightly censoring his diction to make it more family friendly]

Let me rant about [the wonderful institution of] elementary school for a second because those [heroic] institutions are some of the biggest contributors to this [darn] word-hating society, man.

Here’s the deal: words are used as punishment for kids which creates this total [flipping] Pavlovian [bologna] where words become bad to kids.  You hit a fellow snot-nosed [child] and you have to write a 350 word essay why hitting is a bad thing.  If you’re caught with your pants down on the jungle gym because [that great guy] Robert Burns dared me to in third grade and you have to write “I won’t moon the principal” dozens of times on the board or in a notebook as payment.  These [wonderful] schools are making kids hate words, they’re destroying the words’ habitat in this newest generation.

Is it any wonder Twitter and the rest of the predators are becoming so popular with these little [munchkins].  Words are a punishment for these people.  It’s not the words’ fault though, man.  It’s the whole [wide] system.  Fight the power.

APV forever, save the words brothers.

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& so,my fellow Americans:ask not wut ur country cn do 4 u—ask wut u cn do 4 ur country.My fellow citizens of teh wrld:ask not wut USA will do 4 u,but wut 2gether we can do 4 teh freedom of man
— John F. Kennedy, if John F. Kennedy were born in 1991.  Or “help the US plz”.
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Predator - Sickness

It’s sick and flu season.  A number of our staff have been infected during this terrible epidemic.  Unfortunately, as illness grows it seems the passion for grammar goes by the wayside.  Even our most reliable article writer, the Culprits guy, missed his last deadline and will probably miss his next one because all he can do is drool and hallucinate.  He was last seen weeping and whimpering “twitter… it’s the twitter… it got me….”

When people think their health is more important than word use, the poor and defenseless words are mistreated.  Let it be stated that this intrepid reporter ignores his symptoms in order to maintain the APV movement and protect the words and their habitat.  Let it be stated… stated… symptoms… let it… I… the habitat….. spdfoijfsdpofjgfod;b;blblbl

Twitter "Sick"

Twitter "H1N1" and "Swine"